Talibani suicide bomber disappointed by “somewhat frigid” reception

Kareem Ullah , a former resident of Afghanistan who conducted a suicide attack in Lahore recently, said he was surprised at the “somewhat frigid” reception given to him on his arrival in the afterlife after carrying out his attack. He had been expecting a hero’s welcome after he blew himself up outside a primary school, but was less than satisfied with what he got.

“I’m not entirely sure,” said Kareem “but, I do get the feeling that people here are not entirely happy with me. Initially, I felt it may be because of the low fatality count at my attack, I’m now beginning to suspect they might not have wanted me to blow myself up at all!”

Sources in the afterlife say his suspicions may not be entirely unfounded. It seems Kareem is not the first suicide bomber to be disappointed by the reception given to him. In a growing trend, several suicide bombers have recently complained that they are not duly honoured on their arrival in the afterlife.

“I do feel a little cheated,” said Sameer, another suicide bomber who carried out an attack in a busy marketplace in Peshawar “I went through a lot of trouble to plan and carry out the entire activity but I feel thoroughly unappreciated. I may as well not have carried out the attack at all”

Although higher officials were unavailable for comment, there is a growing concern that there is little to be gained from the life (and death) of a suicide attacker. It appears that though much is promised by recruiters to these militants, forces on the other side seem reluctant to honour these commitments upon their arrival. In fact, there have been reports that officials seem “unimpressed” with their antics.

In a further twist, it appears several non-militant Muslims may actually be receiving better treatment in the afterlife. “It’s quite shocking,” said Sameer “that mundane characters such as teachers and doctors are getting better treatment than us, it really makes you question the whole system.”

There are fears that if news of such ambivalence was to reach prospective suicide attackers, it may serve as a demoralising factor, possibly resulting in a major decline in the number of suicide bombing being carried out all over Pakistan.

“What worries me,” said Kareem “is that there is already a huge shift in perception over our work. It’s almost as if we’re pariahs here. I have already had people here trying to convince me what I was did was wrong. It’s simply unbelievable!”

Kareem’s sentiments have been echoed by several others. One source who wished to remain anonymous stated “If news of this stuff gets out, we will be in a lot of trouble. Our way of life is already under great threat. We are a dying breed, literally! I mean, if suicide bombings are to be declared wrong, what’s next?”

The traditional life of the extremist is indeed under great threat. As news emerges that shutting down girls schools and lashing men who shave beards is not as profitable in the afterlife as initially perceived, many extremists may start to abandon the practice altogether.