Talibani suicide bomber disappointed by “somewhat frigid” reception

Kareem Ullah , a former resident of Afghanistan who conducted a suicide attack in Lahore recently, said he was surprised at the “somewhat frigid” reception given to him on his arrival in the afterlife after carrying out his attack. He had been expecting a hero’s welcome after he blew himself up outside a primary school, but was less than satisfied with what he got.

“I’m not entirely sure,” said Kareem “but, I do get the feeling that people here are not entirely happy with me. Initially, I felt it may be because of the low fatality count at my attack, I’m now beginning to suspect they might not have wanted me to blow myself up at all!”

Sources in the afterlife say his suspicions may not be entirely unfounded. It seems Kareem is not the first suicide bomber to be disappointed by the reception given to him. In a growing trend, several suicide bombers have recently complained that they are not duly honoured on their arrival in the afterlife.

“I do feel a little cheated,” said Sameer, another suicide bomber who carried out an attack in a busy marketplace in Peshawar “I went through a lot of trouble to plan and carry out the entire activity but I feel thoroughly unappreciated. I may as well not have carried out the attack at all”

Although higher officials were unavailable for comment, there is a growing concern that there is little to be gained from the life (and death) of a suicide attacker. It appears that though much is promised by recruiters to these militants, forces on the other side seem reluctant to honour these commitments upon their arrival. In fact, there have been reports that officials seem “unimpressed” with their antics.

In a further twist, it appears several non-militant Muslims may actually be receiving better treatment in the afterlife. “It’s quite shocking,” said Sameer “that mundane characters such as teachers and doctors are getting better treatment than us, it really makes you question the whole system.”

There are fears that if news of such ambivalence was to reach prospective suicide attackers, it may serve as a demoralising factor, possibly resulting in a major decline in the number of suicide bombing being carried out all over Pakistan.

“What worries me,” said Kareem “is that there is already a huge shift in perception over our work. It’s almost as if we’re pariahs here. I have already had people here trying to convince me what I was did was wrong. It’s simply unbelievable!”

Kareem’s sentiments have been echoed by several others. One source who wished to remain anonymous stated “If news of this stuff gets out, we will be in a lot of trouble. Our way of life is already under great threat. We are a dying breed, literally! I mean, if suicide bombings are to be declared wrong, what’s next?”

The traditional life of the extremist is indeed under great threat. As news emerges that shutting down girls schools and lashing men who shave beards is not as profitable in the afterlife as initially perceived, many extremists may start to abandon the practice altogether.

Amin finds resolution to Kashmir issue, nobody interested

BAHRAIN - It has been reported that the ever elusive solution to the Kashmir issue may have been presented during a colourful exchange of ideas being held at
apartment number 44, Dunya Plaza in Bahrain. However, the architect of the solution, Amin Hussain, has since been unable to definitely declare what the solution was, stating he is unable to recall "the exact plan”.

"I remember it was beautifully practical", said Hussain, "It fit in perfectly with the facts that were being floated, and we even verfied some of our assumptions from several credible sources on the internet." These sources have later been identified as being entries on Wikipedia.

The disputed region of Kashmir has been the source of much enmity between nuclear neighbours Pakistan and India, having led both countries to war on three occasions as well as into an arms race that has threatened to destabilise the entire South Asian region. After over sixty years of independence, several successive governments on both sides have been unable to come up with a workable solution that would be acceptable to both countries, as well as the local population of the disputed land.

If Hussain's assertions are correct, it could have meant the end of over half a century of hostilities between the two countries. Neither of the two governments has issued a statement on the incident, furthering beliefs that they are not interested in the goings on at the famed apartment in Bahrain, and are instead looking to formulate a solution independent of Mr. Hussain and of his colleagues. Though none of those present at Dunya Plaza hold any office or official qualification in matters of governance or diplomacy, there had been widespread hopes that their opinions would be given more consideration.

However, not all who heard the plan were convinced of its practicality. Ghanim Ashraf, who was present at the time the plan was revealed, stated that Mr. Hussain's plan was too utopian and did not take actual ground realities into account. "He has a tendency of getting carried away with fanciful ideas, and this was just another example of his naive thinking." Unfortunately, Mr. Ashraf too was unable to recall the nature of the proposed resolution stating he was "unclear on what Amin wants." He went on to say, "I dont think even he (Hussain) knew what he wanted!"

The loss of a potential solution has come as a blow to both India and Pakistan, though it appears this is not the first time prominent world figures have failed to act on, or indeed acknowledge major breakthroughs achieved at apartment 44. Spectators claim many important revelations have been made in fields as diverse as politics, theology and economics among others.

"We have been at this stuff for over a year now", says Hussain "and have come up with answers to many of the major problems facing the world today, to name just a few, we have solved the food crisis, solved the Palestinian issue, presented the optimum Pakistani foreign policy, and uncovered the inner workings of the major international intelligence agencies. We hope to answer the big one any day now (pointing at the ceiling). Is He up there?"

These achievements in such a short period of time are no small feat for any organisation, so how do they do it? The participants in these discussions claim its down to their unique approach towards the issues. One said "We find people spend too much time reading up on the issues and their histories. We think its much easier and much more efficient to just discuss the issue among ourselves, without getting too involved in the facts and existing arguments. Of course, there are times when we will consult Wikipedia, but that's usually just to keep the discussion rolling. It really is too much of an effort to consult books and articles!"

Even with such advanced techniques producing such a high success rate, the group has been unable to gain any considerable attention at the international arena. As Hussain puts it, "Unfortunately, nobody's listening to us! As soon as we finish off one issue and move to the next, there is no movement from the international community to pick up our solutions and start working on them. It can get really frustrating at times, and we sometimes wonder if we aren't just wasting our time."

There had already been increasing demands that world leaders pay more attention to the deliberations and solutions precipitating at apartment 44. Now, with the loss of yet another groundbreaking discovery, it appears that the call for less apathy towards apartment 44 will be much more vehement.