Man dies from lack of lunch at MM Alam Road

A man in Lahore died yesterday when he was unable to have lunch at any of Lahore’s famous restaurants because it was closed due to Ramazan. The victim suffered from a rare but rapidly spreading disease which required him to have lunch at a restaurant at least once every week.

There was outrage at the death among other sufferers of such diseases over the incident along with a protest march against the closing of restaurants during the holy month. The government also came under severe criticism over its seemingly callous suggestion that sufferers could possibly eat at home or buy something to eat from a shop.

“Once again, it shows how out of touch this government is with the problems of the common man,” said one protester, “how can buying a box of biscuits and eating it possibly be the same as having lunch in a restaurant? These people are totally clueless.”

The issue soon exploded on the social media with one angry protester tweeting, “We live in such a barbaric land. I just can’t tolerate these intolerant mullahs.”

It's really late...

A few weeks ago, we all breathed a sigh of relief as our President returned to the country safe and sound after a health scare that had everyone worried. That you are now wondering whether that sentence was serious or sarcastic highlights the conundrum that faces us all today. The government that symbolized the much celebrated return to democracy (again) is in trouble; if the various news media are to be trusted (which they seldom are), deep trouble! 

It appears the establishment (if there is such a thing), has had enough of the government’s shenanigans and is now looking for a way to do away with them. One lesson that has recently been drilled into our heads is that this would not be a good thing. Indeed, the establishment’s track record in running the country does not inspire much confidence in their decision-making.

So we should try to stop them? We have recently become much more hands on in our politics. Protests, dharnas, and whatnot are all the rage as more and more Pakistanis are beginning to realize that the affairs of the state affect us all too directly to be left to fate. Ideally, we should all get together and hold a grand rally that sends a clear signal to these establishment goons that their strong arm tactics are not going to work and we will not stand for any meddling with our democratic government.

But there’s a snag. Going into the streets to protest against a supposedly all-powerful institution sounds mildly dangerous, am I absolutely sure I want to take this risk for the love of Messrs Zardari and Gillani? Or even for the sanctity of the Bhutto name? Protecting our democracy is all well and good, but when push comes to shove, will I be ready to bear the pushing and shoving for a government that is practically synonymous with corruption and incompetence? A government that has, by virtue of selecting people like Sharmila Farooqi and Fauzia Wahab as their spokespersons, essentially shown their utter contempt for my opinion of them? The appointment of Rehman Malik just seemed like a conscious decision to antagonise us! I could go on, as is my habit to do so, but as we all know the basic charges, I will spare you all.
Going even further, there is another problem. Suppose I was to overlook what the government's performance and take a stand on principle. The problem now is, whatever case the establishment is to choose to rid itself of the government is likely to be fairly solid. In my heart of hearts, I will know that whatever charge has been brought against the government (corruption or treason or whatever else they are able to come up with) is probably true! So how am I supposed to take a principled stance in defence of democracy, by taking up the defence of somebody I believe to be guilty? 

The answer is of course, no, if the establishment finally does topple the government, I will not be rushing to provide my services as human shield. Far from it, in fact. In my opinion, any such action would just set a bad precedent.

People seem to think the establishment always had a problem with Zardari and the PPP. I disagree. As far as I can tell, the establishment couldn’t have asked for a better arrangement. The evidently inept government acts as the perfect lightning rod while the establishment goes about its business unfettered. Of course, Zardari and his government overstepped their bounds when they tried to come between the army and the US, and now the army will simply “do the needful” and either tighten their leash or send them packing. As much as the PPP shout and scream, it’s actually too late. There will be little fuss because, as snazzy as the slogan may be, that the absolute worst democracy is better than a dictatorship just doesn’t seem to be holding up as a tautology.

If the democratic process is ever to take root in this country it cannot simply be because it tries to sell itself as a lesser of two evils. Nor can it rely solely on catchphrases and supposed universal truths. It has to deliver. Democratic governments can only take on the establishment if they have the popular support to balance the strength of the deeply entrenched institutions. It requires loyalty from common citizens, not just party activists or other party alliances. In my opinion, even the common suggestion that political parties need to stick together against military rule is not really worth much if the populace is not actively supporting them.

At the very least, they need to be seen to be trying! What amuses me most is the fact that the army as an institution has always been much more image conscious than the politicians. It’s probably true that they have much more efficient PR techniques at their disposal in order to achieve this. However, the politicians need to accept that they are handicapped in this regard and that they operate on a much slimmer margin for error.  They need to start compensating, not by trying to increase this margin, but by trying to reduce their error.

A lot has been made recently on television by PPP politicians of the fact that people are willing to tolerate military dictators for a decade, but cannot put up with politicians for much smaller tenures. That is when I wonder if they are trying to be funny. Does it not occur to them that military dictators are not personally related to the entire country, but are tolerated either because it takes them much longer to inflict the damage caused by politicians in a much smaller span, or because it takes much longer for their blunders to be discovered. In either case, this fact does not reflect well on the PPP government!

Imran Khan did not criticize the Army – because he’s not completely insane

A week has passed since PTI’s supporters flooded Minar-e-Pakistan in Lahore, but the critics are still going strong in their onslaught against Imran Khan. For a whole day after the jalsa the English dailys relented in their attacks on Khan, and congratulated him on proving that his party was as capable of amassing physical supporters as virtual ones. Since that day, however, his detractors seem to have redoubled their efforts to denounce him.

Of course, the traditional criticism of having only Facebook supporters having lost its teeth, others are being repeated with increased zeal. I’ll try to analyse some of these. The first one that was doing the rounds before the Lahore jalsa is that Imran Khan is in cahoots with the establishment. The fact that he did not bring up the issue of the military during his speech is being touted as absolute confirmation of this.  The fact of the matter is that Imran Khan stands a slim chance as it is. He is already punching well above his weight in taking on the PMLN in Punjab and the other major parties elsewhere. What people need to realize is that the military establishment is a force that even the great Zulfiqar Bhutto was unable to tame. The only way to bring the establishment under check is to have a political government that is has such strong populist roots that it cannot be cowed into submission. For this to happen the politicians involved need to have unimpeachable records – an art they have been unable to master. Simply put, the only civilian government that can take on the establishment is one that can call on the people to defend it. A corrupt, inept government has no hope of doing so.  An as yet unelected force that is already in no shortage of enemies would have to be suicidal or insane to start railing against this force at a mass rally during election time. The most anyone can practically hope for from the PTI is an acknowledgement of this problem; an acknowledgement that is forthcoming both in Imran Khan’s book and in several interviews.  Incidentally, it is spectacularly amusing to see political parties also raising this concern since all of them have their roots in the military establishment as well - PPP, PMLN and MQM all have their roots in patronage from one military government or the other.

Furthermore, the military establishment itself is an odd creature. Through the 50s, right up to the 90s, it was criticized for being a puppet in the hands of the United States. It was accused of exercising absolute control over its indigenous population while minting money as a mercenary force for the US. Throughout Pakistan’s history, the army has always been much closer to the US than any civilian government could ever hope to be (Of course, this doesn’t mean that the civilian governments weren’t falling over themselves to prove their loyalty to the US, it just means they never succeeded in making themselves indispensible).  These days, the image of the establishment is very different. It is seen as an ultra-nationalist, pan-Islamic, anti- American force that wants to take over the world. In essence, it is seen to be intent on fighting an ideological war. Of course, the actions of the Musharraf regime were in direct conflict to these assertions. The Musharraf regime was exercising the traditional pre-Islamization role of the establishment in fighting the US’s wars in exchange for money, at the same time silencing detractors. At that point in time, Imran Khan was the only one to call his government on this issue, and he still hasn’t changed his stance.

A trivial issue raised against Khan is whether he will be able to translate his showing in Lahore into actual votes. If he can get them to come to Minar-e-Pakistan, he can get them to the polling booth. I really cannot fathom how this could even be raised as a serious issue. There was a mad rush during the time of the rally to get votes registered, and it appears pretty obvious to me that the next election may have one of the highest turnouts in history. Or am I missing something?

The more serious charges against Khan are made by sullen-faced stalwarts of the PMLN. Khan has not established a set policy as to how he is going to go about making the changes he promises. One must confess that this is the most troubling aspect of PTI’s campaign and one hopes they will sort this out sooner rather than later. The oft-repeated argument here is that problems of corruption are not as simple as PTI makes them out to be. It is not good enough that he wants to make a difference. The answer, of course, is no it isn’t. But it is the absolute minimum requirement. Surely a government that has no intention of rectifying the system is worse than one without a readily available plan. I think it is high time that the Pakistani public stopped trying to get the system to work in spite of bad governance and, for once, faced the menace head on. It’s really high time we started demanding more from our politicians in terms of honesty. In this regard, at his worse, Khan can set the bar at an absolute zero for future politicians.

Another charge against Imran Khan is that he is making compromises that will ensure that he is unable to deliver on his promises. The main line of argument here is that he is inducting too much of the old guard to be able to bring about a change. I can only assume that anyone who makes this assertion is going to be voting for the PTI anyway, as they already see the entire old guard as corrupt and inept – at least with Khan, they will be under new management. At the same time it is interesting to note that Khan is accused of not having any experienced politicians in his party. A catch 22 situation if there ever was one. What the PTI is faced with is the problem of trying to remain clean while performing in a political system riddled with corruption. This is more the fault of our system than the PTI. Nobody should be under any illusions; Khan will have to compromise at some level if he is to have any hope of coming to power. The question is, how much? Will the compromise turn the PTI into another PPP or will Khan be able to keep a check on his rank and file? It is a mammoth task, but one definitely worth undertaking. Many Pakistanis have given up hope of ever seeing a prosperous country. The mass exodus out of the country is testament to this, so it doesn’t take a genius to predict that the odds are phenomenally against Imran Khan. But the PTI has injected new life into the political system and captured the imagination of young people. One can only hope that Khan can amass a backing that ensures his subordinates are unable to overwhelm him.

One great thing about the demonstration of PTI’s popularity is that it has jolted the incumbent parties. The PMLN, being challenged only by the spectacularly maligned PPP, had fallen into a stupor, but the fact that the PTI is now nibbling at their heels means that they have jumped into action. Suddenly they are falling over themselves to clarify their financial accounts and demonstrate the good governance they had once been so proud of. By making such an issue out of corruption, the PTI has put immense pressure on urban parties such as the PMLN to avoid tainted politicians.

Finally, the one stance of Imran Khan that seems to ruffle the most feathers among the writers of English blogs – the Taliban. I will not even bother to clarify the fact that he does not in fact condone terrorism. If you don’t know that already, anything I will say will be a waste of time. But let me start with a sentence I just read in an article on Pakistan Today: “Is playing music all that is required to prove your ‘liberal’ ‘leftist’ credentials?” A good question, to which my answer would be yes, it would appear so, because the people who profess to being part of the liberal, leftist cadre in our society seem to be exactly that shallow. These labels seem to have no meaning at all except that they want to be allowed to have a good time. These people don’t stand for social welfare, they don’t stand for social equality, they don’t seem to be asking for alleviation of income disparity or protesting the damaging effects of globalization, or even protecting the environment. They have no qualms with violations of international law or human rights. If anything, they seem to be spectacularly trigger-happy for people who claim to be progressive thinkers. Their first instinct at any issue is to go to war. They seem to think that the rest of the country can be pummeled into liberal, leftist thought (whatever that means in this day and age). This is their equivalent of spreading democracy around the world.

We need to accept the fact that the Taliban are a not just a product of religious brain-washing, but also a reaction to decades of disenfranchisement. The country has let, and is continuing to let its most vulnerable citizens down. The solution cannot be to go on an all-out war against the population we have spurned. The way out is to try and rehabilitate the people we have antagonized to this degree. They need to be weaned away from the most extreme religious views. This is not an immediate solution – it will take decades. But it has to be tried, and tried again, unless we want to get sucked into an all-out civil war. We need to remember that all governments have a penchant for painting all opposition as intransigent. It is a trick they seem to have picked up from the Americans. Remember the godless communists and the Muslim extremists? In Pakistan we too had the treacherous Bengalis who wanted to break the country. We took up a military operation against them and look how well that turned out. Or the Balochis, they too were insurgents bent upon breaking up the country. We bombed them, and invited others to do the same, now we’re picking up the pieces.

Incidentally, it never occurred to anyone to start a military operation against the Taliban until 9/11. Even then, it was done out of fear of the US reprisal rather than because they were an immediate threat to us. We saw the US and the Taliban, and decided we could take on the Taliban much more easily than the US and went for it. The fault of the Taliban is that they didn’t die out. Let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that we were fighting some war for the security of the whole world. Sitting in Lahore, I confess I may have a simplistic view of things. But with the limited information coming out of the affected regions, it is difficult to get an unbiased view. I do suspect, however, that the PTI’s performance in Khyber-Pakhtunkhwa would be a good indicator to how accurate they are on their problem assessment.

To close, I will confess I am cautious in my support of the PTI, but I like to believe its on the right track. I realize Imran Khan’s claims are idealistic. But I fail to see how having an honest idealist will not have a positive effect on the governance of the country.  If it does not manage to eradicate the menace of corruption in our country, it would at least attempt to curb it to manageable levels. It would restore the lost confidence in the government systems, which is in itself a cause for much of our woes.

Of course, Imran Khan could turn out to be a complete scam; a power-monger or a closet Mr. Ten Percent. I have no crystal ball to check whether he goes home after his rallies and practices his evil laugh. Conversely, he could be too much of an idealist and step on too many toes all at once, because let’s face it nobody in our power structure wants a truly incorruptible leader. Not the army with its fingers in so many pies, not the industrialists who are dodging their taxes, not the feudal lord, not the patwaris and thaanedaars he openly denounced in Lahore, not even the media that is getting its funding from so many different vested interests. If Imran Khan tried to be as revolutionary as he says he is, he probably wouldn’t make it to the assembly alive.

Where self-centered pragmatism has failed us so many times, perhaps it’s time for a bit of selfless idealism. There is one aspect of the PTI’s campaign that really bothers me though. Imran Khan is not the last hope for Pakistan. I will support him, and if he fails, I will try again!

The Doctor is in (and likely to stay)

So, after everyone else has taken their shots at Dr. Saab, it’s time I register my take on the whole affair. I’m assuming, by now, everyone has seen the offending video clip (despite GEO’s efforts to get it pulled from youtube), as well as Dr.Saab’s ensuing jawab-e-shikwa, and have been anxiously awaiting my comments on them. You have, don't deny it! Anybody who thinks Aamir Liaquat’s explanation is the entire truth should stop here, as the follows assumes the opposite.

To start off, was it really that wrong for Aamir Liaquat to be caught swearing, and acting less than charitable while off air? Well, in short, yes! It was exactly that wrong, maybe even more. A very telling sign of this is his subsequent explanation. Had his actions been acceptable, or even only mildly unacceptable, there would have been no need for such a wildly outrageous explanation. He could have apologised, or simply ignored the issue, as he has been steadfastly doing regarding his dubious doctorate for the past many years (fake degrees, as we all know, are only a minor sin). Instead, he dug himself into a deeper hole by stating that the tongue that mentions the name of the Prophet could never engage in vulgarity. So, in his own words, such behaviour would be intolerable and render him unsuited to fulfilling his role on television.

This is both his prerogative and his necessity. The fact of the matter is that the wholesome, unimpeachably pious persona is what he was selling. He could not, under any circumstances, allow this image to be tarnished.

And this is where more culprits need to be drawn into the dock. Aamir Liaquat Hussain is not just a personality engaged in imparting Islam. He is a carefully cultivated, and most importantly, highly lucrative product. Not only does he earn his television channels obscene amounts of money, he is also the face of many an advertising campaign. So, maintaining the false façade of Aamir Liaquat is in the interest of many a powerful group. I’m not sure about his current political standing, but there was definitely a time when these groups also featured a prominent political party.

This brings us to the responsibilities of all of these groups. Since we’ve established that his behaviour was intolerable for someone carrying out his responsibilities, was it not the job of his producers or channel executives to distance themselves from him? Since most of the clips are from Geo, shouldn’t they be held responsible for housing and promoting a charlatan? And what of his ad endorsements? Will advertisers and companies try to pull him from their campaigns?

Of course, I’m living in a dream world when I say these things; in a world where profitability is not the measure of morality. More likely, everyone will look to quietly gloss over this little blip. We’ve all had our laughs, and now it’s back to work, making money selling piety. The only way anybody is going to pull away from Aamir Liaquat after this is if he becomes a financial liability. But since our opinions are mostly decided by these very media groups I suspect there's little danger of that happening and it would just be cheaper to pretend nothing happened.

At the same time, I do suspect one aspect of Aamir Liaquat’s explanation rings true. I have a feeling his accusation that Geo intentionally leaked the video to damage his reputation is not entirely outlandish. After all, they had lost a cash cow to the opposition, why not try to dent their investment? They pulled the video from youtube just a fraction too late. It had gone viral.

On the other hand, if this was the act of a rogue Geo employee with access to the tapes, will Geo be naming him and acting against him for violation of copyright? I suspect not!

Come to think of it, I guess it’s about as likely as Aamir Liquat taking legal action against Geo for “dubbing and imitating him” for the purposes of defamation.

Diversity

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you...

A Pit Bull.

Not to be confused with,

A Rocking Horse

Accompanied by,

A Rocking Chair

Marketing

*I've used the term Marketing and Advertising interchangeably. I don't know the difference and I'm not going to google it. This essentially refers to anyone trying to present an "image", PR firms, Ad agencies etc.

Can there really be anything more evil than Marketing? An entire profession dedicated to making people feel inadequate. It’s not about spreading the message of the existence of a product. If that were the case we would have advertisements stating the specifications of the product, and/or footage of real, unpaid people testifying to its quality. But that’s not what we get. What we get on our television screens are people endorsing products they have never used and associating the use of certain brands to success or happiness; essentially trying to manipulate us with outright dishonesty. Because at the end of the day, that’s the function of Marketing: to professionalize the skills of habitual liars and schemers (those, of course, who don’t go into politics).

To start simply, you can see the more ridiculously blatant of these attempts on telemarketing channels. There’s always a Herculean couple, dressed up in their gym clothes convincing people that all they need to do is sit in front of the television like a slob, (an activity that should not require work-out clothes) while a belt around their midriff whirrs away to give them the perfect figure. Obviously, the existence of these two titans is to make us think that they are satisfied customers of said product. Of course, seeing the way anyone who needs a fat-free body, from models to bodybuilders, seems to be doing it by controlling their diet and working out, this implication seems not entirely genuine.

On mainstream television these attempts become only slightly less absurd. A whole array of actresses and models are lined up to tell us about the latest whitening cream. Quite apart from the issue of beauty products stereotyping beauty and banishing all non-conformists to the realm of the unattractive, these products are deliberately misleading in their advertisements. For ages, these women have been quite blatantly blacking up for the ‘before’ shot of their advertisements only to be magically whitened in the course of the 30 second ad. Nobody seems to be pointing out that they were already pretty fair to begin with. That’s why they are models in the first place.

And while you were still reeling from this deception, Fair and Lovely decided they needed to expand their customer base in Pakistan to the increasingly vain male population as well. Enter Shahid Afridi, divulging his use of the product, though only for skin protection. Lala, the proud Pathan, has yet to go all the way and suggest he was born as black as the night and owes his current complexion to the regular use of whitening creams. If Fair and Lovely are really so keen on proving the efficacy of their product, why don’t they start with someone who’s a bit more of a challenge?

‘Celebrity endorsements’ is the term used. Random celebrities are paid vast sums of money to come on television and tell us they use a certain product and are amazed by it. Most of the time, of course, they are lying. On the other hand, if they were so very excited about their purchases that they really couldn’t keep the good news to themselves, do they really need to be paid to shout it from the hilltops. Shouldn’t they be doing this for free, or even paying for the privilege? Of course, we suspect something is afoot, but stay generally quiet because at some level we have accepted that it’s okay to lie if the price is right. Anywhere else this would be a conflict of interest, here its creative advertising.

In fact, pretty much anything is acceptable if the price is right, even using your own child as an advertising gimmick. Yes, I’m looking at you Nadia Khan -you and your shameless exhibition of your motherhood and your child. I don’t doubt you would have loaned the poor child to the circus, or even the zoo if the price was right. But there again, Nadia isn’t alone. Something all the more painful for a lifelong Bushra Ansari fan. Why Bushra Ansari, why?!

But celebrity endorsement is only one of the many dirty tricks that are practiced as an art form. There is also pandering to cultural and social moods or trends. The extreme of these is now hitting us with the latest Islamic Banking ads (which I have only heard on the radio, I don’t know if they’re on television as well) which basically declare conventional banking to be devoid of “Barkat”. How they are being allowed to pass fatwas willy-nilly is something that has me completely flabbergasted.

On the other hand, this isn’t the first time religion is being dragged in to do the dirty work of the advertisers. Every Ramazan, we are inundated with advertisements creating an aura of holiness and spirituality around products such as packaged milk and cooking oil. This was quite an issue last Ramazan, with the growing concern in the state about rising religious sentiment.

Interestingly, nobody seemed to have any issue with the exploitation of nationalistic feeling by these companies. There were no complaints while Coca Cola and Pepsi, foreign companies both of them, were trying to outdo themselves in their support for the Pakistan Cricket Team during the World Cup. Switch the channel, and both of them were competing with each other in their support for the Indian team. Nobody seemed to find this odd at all. And this was just during a time of heightened nationalism. During the rest of the year, several other foreign companies tell us about their commitment to our country and assure us of their support in our endeavours to improve it.

Around the world, adverts are accepted as a necessary evil. Well, until advertisers decided it didn’t have to be that way. Adverts could be creative, interesting, entertaining, works of art even. So, wittily prepared 30 second sketches or movies, or whatever you may want to call them started to take over. These had the advantage of being subtle, entertaining, and equally as evil (effective) as before. So now, people didn’t have to just put up with ad breaks, they could enjoy them.

Unfortunately, this last part has completely evaded us in Pakistan. We are still stuck with the ridiculously patronising and irritating ads the rest of the world gave up on two decades ago. So now, we suffer the double whammy of being subjected to evil and not even enjoying it.

The list of irritating Pakistani ads is almost never-ending. There are the “people always ask me…. My answer is always…” ads which make you think, “Okay, but are you lying to them? And why are you telling me this anyway? Don’t you think it’s a little self-obsessed to be discussing this with a complete stranger?”.

There are the irritatingly wholesome family ads where the self-effacing mother is willing to deflect credit to any product that she has used. In fact this kind of irritating glorification of products comprises a majority of other ads as well – “Don’t thank me, thank…” Really? You want me to thank an inanimate object? Or should I write a letter of thanks to the CEO of the company? I really can’t decide which would be saner.

Another brilliant theme was the real people theme - when surprise surprise, a full TV crew shows up at someone’s house to wash their dishes, or their clothes or interview them or some other such thing. And we tolerated the banality of this right up to the point they decided to advertise toilet cleaning liquid in this same fashion. Does it really take a media management genius to figure out that watching other peoples dirty toilet bowls is not something we look forward to while we sit in front of our televisions?

One recent ad that deserves honourable mention in this category is the recent Zong “sau pe sau”. It quite obviously an advertisement conceived and produced by someone with a spectacularly low opinion of the Pakistani public and with no attempts to conceal his contempt. I can just picture him now boarding his helicopter on his way to the Annual Uncreative Evildoers Convention, quickly briefing his assistant, “Just get two flashily dressed idiots wetting themselves with excitement over the prospect an extra hundred rupees. These drones will lap it up!”

Then again, at least Zong tries to stay on message. Warid is beyond even attempting to be coherent. Apparently, we are supposed to go out and buy Warid connections after watching “filmstar Noor” teaching another woman how to dance. Looking at it now, it must have cost quite a bit of money, with all the extras, the sets, and the expensive looking picture quality; makes it even more unbearable to think of the far more useful causes that money could’ve been put to. One can only hope that whoever was responsible was captured and duly punished.

The list is long, and I might return to update it, as it stands I might be here all night going on about it. Just one more before I go though; that smug Habib Supersaver woman, she makes me want to punch her in the mouth.

Reference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMr5ENkoaRo

All is well...

The unseemly sight of concrete blocks and MP check-posts has now become an integral part of our lives. God only knows when we will be rid of these symbols of insecurity; unless things change drastically, I suspect it may not be during my lifetime.

Having said that, I do try to maintain some sympathy for the poor men manning these posts. Apart from being forced to stand long hours, carrying out what must be a spectacularly mind-numbing activity, they also have to deal with the fact that they are in one of the most thankless jobs in the world. If they start checking everyone indiscriminately, they get indignant people shouting “Do I look like a terrorist?” If they start profiling, they get people criticising how easy it is to get past them – “I could’ve been carrying a bomb, and he didn’t even check!” The poor guys just cannot win! The fact of the matter is, they slow us down and they scrutinise us. We do not appreciate either of these, so naturally we’re always looking for some way to criticise them.

Keeping this in mind, I try to remind myself that the poor guys are doing their jobs and to keep my irritation under check. I’m no expert on security, so I go along with the minimum deterrence argument. After all, if something was to happen, everyone would be questioning the security agencies and not me. I ignore the fact that standing bumper to bumper in a four-lane traffic jam at the checkpost is probably the most vulnerable position one can be in. I tolerate the fact that apart from check posts coming into Lahore, there are now check posts for leaving Lahore - perhaps there is a need to prevent bombs exiting the city. I even go so far as to try to convince myself that the guy staring at the sky while his gun is aimed at me is actually in search of divine guidance. If there is a slight chance that these measures will at least inconvenience terrorists in some minor fashion, perhaps they’re worth it.

Ever so often though, something happens that momentarily shakes even my compromising and somewhat naïve belief in the system.

If you’re driving on the canal road from Thokar Niazbeg towards the city, you will come to a point where you can turn towards Jinnah Hospital or continue straight on the canal. To facilitate an unfettered drive on the canal, there is a division in the road, so that those turning are segregated from the main road. They can also decide to go straight from there, but have to go through the inconvenience of a traffic light.

So, the other day, coming up to this division I noticed that traffic was clogged on the path going straight. Several other people also noticed this and decided to go through the traffic light. Being a stickler for traffic law I decided it was a moral grey area to use the turning lane to go straight and proceeded onwards. Most other people were not burdened by such moral dilemmas and proceeded through the traffic light. As we inched closer to the heart of the congestion I realised the reason for it - a check post. And not just any check post, one with about fifteen armed men standing around it. None of them seemed the least bit concerned with the fact that cars were whizzing past behind their backs in the next lane.

Now, as we are all aware, terrorists are notoriously conscientious drivers. Being nothing like these other boors, they would never dream of using the turning lane for going straight; apart from being unsporting from a security perspective, such an action would be a spectacularly unethical breach of the driving code. So, for that reason, I thought the security guys had their bases covered. I inched closer with this calming thought until a truly terrifying prospect occurred to me. What if there was such a thing as an unscrupulous terrorist? Or, what if in a moment of weakness, or even by accident, a terrorist just went along and did what most of the other people were doing and avoided the check post altogether? It would render the time and energies of those fifteen fine people completely wasted. I know this is a far-fetched idea, but one does ponder a bit when one lives in troubled times.

So, when I was passing through the barriers I decided to share this bone-chilling possibility with one of the security personnel. I stopped my car next to him, pointed behind him and said, “People are just bypassing the check post.” He looked at me silently and then turned away uninterested. Obviously, he had heard this one before. I breathed a sigh of relief and drove on; these guys had already considered the idea. All was safe.